He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
