My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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