my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize