just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
