Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
