My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
