Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
