I'm gonna have a badass scar
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
