i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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