I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
