Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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