You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
