Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
