Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize