Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
barbara walters just said penis...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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