the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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