Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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