So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
