I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
