i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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