i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Found your dick twin last night
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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