just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize