Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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