I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize