on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
