walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
