I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
