I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
