I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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