I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize