I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
