Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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