I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
