weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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