Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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