**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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