Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize