My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
