I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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