Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
