Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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