smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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