I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
