how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize