Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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