I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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