Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
