Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
