I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
