Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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