Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
