I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
