WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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