Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
