Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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