Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
