the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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