my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
