So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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