Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
