What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He better not be in your backpack
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
