literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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