someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
