Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize