A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
