it's too hot outside to masturbate.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
